i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
