and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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