Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
