11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
