Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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