The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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