I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
