Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
and you fell through a lawn chair
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
