I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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