Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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