i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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