My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
