She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
