Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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