he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
