I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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