I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
