This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize