And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
