I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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