my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
