$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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