Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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