I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
