I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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