I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
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She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
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The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
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