I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
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Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
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My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night