You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.