i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
