there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
