i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
