he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
