Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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