You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
