ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
