Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
