Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
