Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
