The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
