I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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