Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
