i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I think my moral compass just broke
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
