my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
