I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
