I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
