We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
