this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
