apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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