my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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