Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
