I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
