I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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