Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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