JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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