as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
