Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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