I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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