apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
