i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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